The Art of War

Nick often remarks that no one talks to him when he is alone, but when I'm there we meet a steady stream of strangers at the next table. Apparently, this is a dangerous quality to bring into the mix with Melissa, around whom bizarre things happen on a regular basis anyway.

Last night, Melissa, Glenn and I went out to Uva--I got to tell them about Paris, and we had a lovely dinner. There came a point in the evening when Glenn decided to go home, and I swear I was almost right behind him, but Melissa and I were still awake, and we decided on one more drink.

One. I swear.

Shortly after that, Melissa left the table, and the two men next to us turned to me. "We kept your friend company while you were in the restroom," one of them announced. "Now it's your turn!"

Okay, then.

Of course, it's never simple. See, Rob was trying to get this girl, Amy, whom he spent New Year's Eve with but hasn't seen since. By the time I took over his cell phone, though (I can't stand it when guys can't figure out what women want to hear--it's not like it's that difficult), it was too late for her to come out. And Melissa thought Ed was into Rob, and Ed confessed that he thought Rob was flirting with him to get ahead at work, which did not thrill him. Ed was thrilled to hear that I was moving to Paris, which he adores, and Rob seemed cheerful as well, and around then his attention shifted from texting Amy to asking for advice about impressing Melissa. All good, right?

Machiavelli Rob was not.

Gentlemen, I'm going to lay down a few basic ground rules for you.

• A woman who is about to move to Paris to be with another man is not going to kiss you.

• It is even less likely if you have spent half the evening revealing just how short your romantic attention span is, and that doesn't even count the time you spent asking for her help to get her friend.

• There are times when the better part of valor is going with your stated intention--in this case, that would be keeping your attention on Amy. Or Katherine, at the bar. Or Melissa, although she had as much opportunity to witness your maneuvering as I did, and I rather doubt that she was much more impressed by it.

• Buying drinks is usually a good move. Shouting for shots immediately after being turned down is shady.

• Which reminds me: anger in general is not attractive.

This sounds harsher than I really mean to be, though. He wasn't a bad guy, I don't think. He was funny and kind and generous and sweet, and if he hadn't crossed the line we might well have become friends--at least for the next few weeks, during which time I would have been happy to introduce him to any number of more appropriate matches. If I sound angry or unkind, it is just because there was a better way for things to have gone.

And, truth be told, not all of this was quite so clear at the time: a no-brainer this morning took some thought last night. It was not as obvious as I make it sound, although I like to think that the conclusion was inevitable at any time of day. It was just that I was so very flattered--it's been quite some time since a guy has worked that hard for me, unless you are inclined to count the day-to-day work of building a life with me.

It turns out, of course, that I do count that.

It may be I'm the one who is off-base. Maybe there is a world that works the way Rob believes, and my views on relationships are just hopelessly idealistic.

I will say that I am just fine with never knowing for sure.